6 days from now...

27 February 2011 – Yes. 6 days from now I'm going to deliver the most difficult speech I made in my 23 years of existence. I dont know if I could stand tall in front of everyone without shedding a single tear. 6 days from now, I’m going to delivery a eulogy for my grandmother.

Seven days ago, my grandmother passed away due to massive stroke. I don’t know if I could consider myself lucky being able to witness her last minutes with us. It was a combination of emptiness, sorrow, and comfort - ambivalence. Witnessing that part of her life was never easy. I felt like a shallow, lifeless person, standing beside her deathbed. I saw that same emotion in every face of the person, who, like me, witnessed her last minutes. A part of us died with her.

Phone calls were non-stop. Beeping of the life-support machines were non-stop. Tears were non-stop. Everything was non-stop. It felt like the time was fast forwarded 7x than the usual and I was left there, standing stagnant. All I wanted to do at that very moment was to hug Nanay – hoping that I could stop her from leaving. Writing this down and reminiscing what happened that day is as difficult as you could imagine.

When the ECG results gave a straight line, I finally accepted that Nanay is not here anymore. I could touch her, but she couldn’t feel me. I could kiss her, but she couldn’t kiss back. I could tell her how much I love her a million times, but she could respond back. I could no longer hear her say: “I love you todo todo without preno”. My only reconciliation was the thought that finally, Nanay and Tatay together with Tito Job, is finally together – forever.

As I count the remaining days that I could see her face through that crystal covering, I don’t know where to start and how to write that special speech dedicated for her. I don’t know if I could give justice on describing her as a strong warrior of God, a loving mother, and a caring grandmother to all of us.

6 days. I have 6 days. And I know in my heart that 6 days is not enough to write that special speech. It will never be enough.